Uutissatiirin paloittelua: A Closer Look – Impeachment Meltdown

Edellinen Last Week Tonight -uutissatiirin muotin palasiin repimiseni ei jäänyt ainoaksi satiirin ruumiinavaukseksi, jonka tein. Koska Oliver-purku oli ihan holtittoman pitkä ja teoreettinen, tuplaan panokset, ja teen saman Seth Meyersille.

Tällä kertaa otan lähemmän vilkaisun Late Night with Seth Meyersin osioon A Closer Look.

Myöhäisillan uutissatiirissa on usein tiukka formaatti, joissa samat fraasit ja samat grafiikat toistuvat. Tuttu on helpompaa omaksua, ja voimme katsojina keskittyä sisältöön muodon sijaan. Siksi lähdetään käyntiin näin:

The president and his Republican allies have brought into a ludicrous conspiracy theory claiming it was Ukraine that interfered in the 2016 election. For more on this, it’s time for ”A Closer Look.”

Seth Meyers avaa Closer Lookit aina parin lauseen pohjustuksella, ja vie meidät tunnariin sanomalla ”For more on this, it’s time for ”A Closer Look”.

Tämä on sama kuin se, että Last Week Tonightin jokainen jakso alkaa sanoilla: “Welcome, welcome, welcome to Last Week Tonight, I’m John Oliver. Thank you so much for joining us!” Ja tämän jälkeen tulee lyhyt pätkä tai pari, joka alkaa aina sanoilla: “We begin this evening with…”

Among the many qualifications you’d expect a person to have, in order to become president of the United States, one of them would be an ability to function in the morning. That is not the case with Donald Trump.

I mean, look at him. I mean, that is how a cat reacts when you try to move them off your bed. Alright, you know, fine. Just stay there.

Tipautetaanpa visuaalinen gägi kärkeen. Luettuna ei järin mainio. Actoutin ja visujen kanssa homma taas toimii.

In fact, one small detail we learned from last week’s impeachment hearings was that Trump hates mornings. You might remember that an embassy staffer, David Holmes, testified that he overheard a call between Trump and his hand-picked ambassador to the EU, Gordon Sondland, in which they discussed their scheme to orchestrate a quid pro quo with Ukraine.

Pohjustetaan kasalla faktoja. Jos tästä alusta olisi leikannut kissavitsin pois, tämä olisi aika suoraa kerrontaa, eikä niinkään komiikkaa. Tätä uutissatiiri usein on: suora, vakavahko tarina, jossa vitsit ovat paljolti irrallisia ja rytmittävät. Jos itse uutistarina olisi vitsi, tarina ei pysyisi kasassa.

Holmes said he could hear Trump screaming on the other end of the call and then added this.

”-After the call ended, Ambassador Sondland remarked that the president was in a bad mood, as Ambassador Sondland stated was often the case early in the morning.”

Klipit sen sijaan voivat olla hauskoja vakavassa kertomuksessa. Meyersin ”oikeesti, tyypit” -henkinen reaktio klippiin irrottaa vielä lisää nauruja. Nyt päästetään irti kerronnasta ja tykitellään parikymmentä sekuntia setup-punch-setup-punchia.

First of all, it doesn’t surprise me that Trump is in a bad mood early in the morning. Look at what he eats. He has the diet of a 16-year-old stoner. When you have that much fried food sloshing around in your digestive tract, you’re not gonna sleep well. That’s why Trump always looks like he just woke up screaming in the middle of a nightmare where he’s bein’ chased by a giant drumstick with the head of Adam Schiff.

Punchien kasa taputeltiin vielä visuaalisella gägillä, jossa photoshopattu Schiff jahtaa Trumpia. Yksinään halpa vitsi, mutta tässä kokonaisuudessa ja tällä rytmillä toimii.

So, the impeachment hearings established not only that Trump orchestrated a criminal conspiracy to extort a foreign country to interfere in the 2020 election, using hundreds of millions of dollars in taxpayer money, they also established that Trump hates mornings.

And we saw Trump’s irritability on full display Friday, when he woke up bright and early and called in for a video conference with his therapist, the host of ”Fox and Friends.”

Palataan puncheista suoraan kerrontaan, joka rytmitetään yhdellä läpällä. ”His therapist”.

Trump soittaa Fox and Friendsiin puolustaakseen itseään ja haukkuakseen vastustajiaan ja Niinistö Luontoiltaan kysyäkseen palsternakoista. Tällaisia ne johtajien pienet erot ovat.

Now, this interview lasted for a total of 53 minutes! And here’s a little time lapse, just to give you a taste of how long and how insane it was.

[Minuutti Trumpin avautumista yhdestä jos toisestakin aiheesta.]

”President Trump, thanks so much. -Thank you much. -Both: Thank you. -Both: Alright. -Goodbye. Well, we just went 57 minutes without havin’ a sip of water. -Right. I know.”

Tämä on täysin älytöntä, ja punchilineksi riittää se, että alleviivataan, että tämä oli ihan älytöntä.

-Water?! After that, I would’ve reached for the vodka. I mean, those guys barely said a word.

Joten todettiin, että se oli älytöntä.

How would Trump even know he was actually talkin’ to anyone? At some point, they should just disconnect his phone and let him think he’s on TV.

Tämä ei ole järin vahva vitsi – paitsi jos sen actouttaa ja tekee vähän älyttömämmäksi. Joten Meyers tekee sen. Meyers käyttää Trump-imitaatiotaan jokaisen tilaisuuden tullen. Tilaisuus tulee.

[as Trump] I love your show. You people are great. What’s that, Steve? [Dial tone] That’s a great point, Steve.

Ja kas, siitä tulikin vahvempi vitsi.

This interview is still a revealing glimpse into the madness that has taken hold of the Republican Party and the right-wing media apparatus that supports it. For example, when the last impeachment hearing ended on Thursday, the Democratic chairman, Adam Schiff, ended it with a closing argument that summarized the evidence.

Tämä kohta voisi olla suoraan MSNBC:n uutislähetyksestä. Muoto pysyy johdonmukaisena – suoraa kerrontaa, vinoja vitsejä kylkeen sopivin välein.

-This president believes he is above the law, beyond accountability. And, in my view, there is nothing more dangerous than an unethical president who believes they are above the law. And I would just say, to people watching here at home and around the world, in the words of my great colleague, ”We are better than that.” [bangs gavel] Adjourned.

Onpa pitkä klippi, joka ei ollut lainkaan hauska. Ei siitä tule hauskaa… paitsi jos meillä on heti perään jokin, joka toimii sen vastakohtana ja näyttää koko homman älyttömyyden, kun kontrasti presidentillisen käytöksen ja Schiffin käytöksen välillä on räikeä. Pistän veikkauksen, että tällainen klippi on tulossa.

Wow. That’s a stirring defense of democracy that neatly summarized the president’s various abuses of power. And, now, Mr. President, your rebuttal.

Vakava rekisteri, joka entisestään korostaa seuraavaa klippiä. Roll the clip!

Adam Schiff is a sick puppy. Let me tell ya, he’s a sick puppy. He’s so sick. Now, Schiff, remember this – He makes it all up. He’s sick. There’s somethin’ wrong with him.

Ja kas, sieltä se kontrasti tuli.

There’s something wrong with him? You just spent an hour screaming into a telephone! You’re not a president. You have the anger and free time of a sports radio caller.

Kun jokin todellisuudessa on riittävän älytöntä, riittää, että sen toteaa ääneen ja osoittaa, mitä tapahtui. Toki sen voi koristella actoutilla.

[as Trump] I call it the failing New York Times and let me tell you another thing: The Mets suck!

I really think contrast is worth noting and sums things up perfectly: On one hand, you have a calm, measured, fact-based defense of democracy and the rule of law from one side that, whatever their faults as politicians, inhabits our actual reality.

On the other hand, you have a red-faced lunatic screaming at three terrified captives, trapped on a TV set ike they’re in a ”Saw” movie. I mean, look at ’em. They look like three tourists sitting on the subway who just saw a roach smokin’ a cigarette. And, by the way, I’m sure the roach was smokin’ the cigarette because he just heard Trump’s interview. ”This Trump guy’s out of his goddamn mind.”

Kun älyttömyys todettiin ensin suoraan, nyt se sama kerrotaan liioitellen. Käytössä on actout ja usein käytetty rakenne: ”Todellinen asia x on kuin älytön samankaltainen ylilyöty asia y.”

Palaamme takaisin uutistenlukijakerrontaan:

Now, we’ve seen two weeks of conclusive evidence in public impeachment hearings, with one witness after another testifying definitively that there was, in fact, a corrupt quid pro quo. Congress is likely to move on to the next phase, passing articles of impeachment in the House and starting a trial in the Senate, so, in the ”Fox and Friends” interview, Trump gave us a preview of one of his lines of defense, a line Republicans have unsuccessfully repeated for weeks. Trump said he was just concerned about corruption in Ukraine, in general, not the Bidens, specifically.

-We’re looking for corruption. There’s tremendous corruption. We’re looking for – Why should we be giving hundreds of millions of dollars to countries when there’s this kind of corruption?

Klippi tuo uskottavuuden sille, että todellakin jankattiin korruptiosta. Aavistelen, että juonto myöhemmin palaa tähän.

-Mr. President — A couple of days ago, -Anyway, go ahead. -your ambassador to the United — to the EU, Mr. Sondland, in his opening statement, said that there was quid pro quo. There was quid pro quo, he said, because you wanted an investigation into corruption, in exchange for a visit to the White House, or something like that. -Yeah. Well, that’s total nonsense. I do want, always, corruption.

Voi olla, että otamme tässä ylevän lähestymistavan, ja emme lähde tuollaisesta sanallisesta mokasta irvailemTODELLAKIN NYT TYKITETÄÄN!

Ahnh. I don’t think that’s what you meant. Also, what’s with the insane syntax? ”I do want, always, corruption”? That sounds like something a gangster would say in an off-brand version of ”Grand Theft Auto.”

Todellinen asia x on kuin älytön kuvitteellinen asia y, taas. Herutetaanpa actoutilla.

”I do want, always, corruption. Car stealing is your next mission.”

Palataan vakavaan rekisteriin ja suoraan kerrontaan.

It’s obviously a ridiculous lie that is contradicted by literally all of the evidence. Trump has no defense, so all he can do is smear the witnesses with lies and conspiracy theories. Take, for example, the former ambassador to Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch, who gave her moving testimony about the smear campaign against her. Yovanovitch is a career foreign service officer who has served Republican presidents and, yet, Trump concocted a ridiculous lie about her.

I don’t even know these people. You know, I come to Washington. So you’ve had Bush and you have Never-Trumpers. And I come in and I end up with thousands of people that are Never-Trumpers. -Right. -Clinton people. And, sometimes, the Never-Trumpers are worse than Clinton and Obama people, believe me. But this ambassador that, you know, everybody says is so wonderful, she wouldn’t hang my picture in the embassy, okay? She’s in charge of the embassy. She wouldn’t hang it. It took like a year and a half or two years for her to get the picture up. She said bad things about me, didn’t wanna hang my picture in the embassy. Standard is you put the president of the United States’ picture in an embassy.

Tässä otetaan naiivin itsekkään ympäriinsä kaikkia syyttelevän tyypin rekisteri, jotta tämä kuulostaisi älyttömältä – ei kun hetkinen, tässähän on Yhdysvaltain presidentti puhumassa, kuten hän normaalisti puhuu. Minun mokani.

-None of that is true. The embassy in Kiev hung the official photographs of the president, vice president, and secretary of State as soon as they arrived from Washington, D.C. And a former embassy official in London tweeted it took the White House almost 15 months to get official photos sent to embassies to hang and were instructed not to print other photos.

Kerrottiin, jotain, joka ei ollut totta, eikä silti vaikuttanut ilmeisesti valheelta, joten yleisön luottamuksen säilyttämiseksi pannaan faktat suoraan.

And I understand why the White House would prevent embassies from printing other photos. because, then, you could pick whichever one you want, like this one. Or, you know, like this one. Or my personal favorite, you know, this one. I mean. In a way, that one looks like an actual work of art. That should be hanging in the Salvador Dalí Museum, under the title Melting Criminal.

Visuaalisia halpoja gägejä jonossa. Toimivathan ne. Vähän tehdään halvat gägit kalliimmaksi Dalí-viittauksella, muttei paljon.

Awww. -So. It was not, in any way, shape, or form, it was not Yovanovitch’s fault the pictures were delayed. It was the White House’s fault. And if you’re wondering why it would take the White House 15 months to send photos, maybe it was because the guy in charge was on the [bleep] phone for an hour!

Kuulemme ja ymmärrämme selkeästi, mikä on totta, mikä ei. Mikään ei ole siltä väliltä. Tosiasiat vaikuttavat todelta ja feikit ilmeisen feikeiltä.

But this is the paranoid alternate reality Trump and his Fox News allies live in. Anyone who disagrees with his criminal behavior is a spy or a traitor or a so-called Never-Trumper. Trump has used that phrase repeatedly, even to describe the Russia advisor to Vice President Mike Pence who testified last week. The advisor, Jennifer Williams, was asked about that accusation during her hearing.

Tarina kulkee. Emme odota punchlinejä. Klippiä perään vaan.

”-Ms. Williams, are you a Never-Trumper? -I’m not sure I know an official definition of a Never-Trumper.”

-Yeah. No one knows what it means because it’s a dumb, made-up term. It sounds like a fictional animal from ”A Wrinkle in Time.”

Lähes riittävän vahva punch. Ei ihan silti, joten actoutataan se hauskaksi.

”There were fur pigs and gryffindoodles and Never-Trumpers.”

Joten niin oli käyvä. Actoutilla pelastettiin vitsi.

This is the paranoid alternate universe Trump and his allies on Fox News inhabit and reinforce for their audience. Everyone who’s against them is a spy and a traitor. Even Gordon Sondland, the ambassador who testified last week, is supposedly a secret member of the deep state now. This guy donated $1 million to Trump’s inaugural committee. $1 million, and, yet, over the weekend, Fox host Jeanine Pirro said Sondland was out to get Trump.

Rekisteri ei ole ihan suoraan uutistenlukijan rekisteri. John Oliver olisi ujuttanut tuohon pari kirosanaa, koska hänen maksutelkkarilaisena ei tarvitse piipata niitä. Meyers painelee avoimilla kanavilla, joten hän on pienieleisempi.

Mitäs Fox sanoo?

-His testimony is not only canceled by the facts, but by his demeanor, his arrogance, and his inappropriate smirking, making it clear that he, like many deep state bureaucrats, is not a fan of the president.

Jännä, että uutiskanava tuntuu asenteellisemmalta kuin koomikko.

-He’s a deep state bureaucrat?! He’s a businessman who gave the president’s inaugural committee $1 million, and then Trump appointed him. If he’s a deep state bureaucrat, then everyone is!

Jos tämä on totta, mikä muu on totta? No:

Jeanine Pirro probably says the same thing about her own reflection in the mirror. [as Pirro] Who are you?! And why are you copying my movements?! You’re a part of the deep state! Don’t point at me!

Saipa pari punchia lypsettyä tuosta.

The Republican Party of Donald Trump is a movement consumed by paranoia, peering around every corner, looking for spies and saboteurs, indulging in disseminating absurd conspiracy theories. For example, Trump’s been peddling an unhinged and completely debunked conspiracy theory that it was actually Ukraine, and not Russia, that interfered in the 2016 election. Trump repeated that insane claim again during his interview Friday and even ”Fox and Friends,” the show that is more pro-Trump than virtually any other show on TV, tried to gently push back.

-It’s very interesting. They have the server, right? From the DNC, Democratic National Committee. -Who has the server? -The FBI went in and they told ’em, ”Get outta here! You’re not getting it. We’re not giving it to you.” They gave the server to Crowdstrike, or whatever it’s called, which is a country — which is a company owned by a very wealthy Ukrainian. And I still wanna see that server. You know, the FBI has never gotten that server. That’s a big part of this whole thing. Why did they give it to a Ukrainian company?

No tätä ei voi todistaa vääräksi kuin minuutin vilkaisulla Wikipediaan. Se on piilaaksolainen julkisesti Nasdaqissa pörssinoteerattu yritys, jonka riskirahoittajat eivät järin ukrainalaisilta kuulosta. Isoin omistaja on newyorkilainen VC. Joten Fox toteaa:

-Are you sure they did that? [ Laughter ] Are you sure they gave it to Ukraine? -Well, that’s what the word is.

Ei juma, meinasivat lähes faktatsekata presidentin! Ei ihan kuitenkaan. Trump vaihtoi rekisteriä, joten Meyers irvailee rekisterille ja vaihtaa omaansa.

-Oh! Oh, is that what the word is? Do ya spend a lotta time hangin’ out on street corners, gettin’ the latest scoop? Seriously, who do you even talk to, anyway? You spent most of your time wandering around in circles on the White House lawn, by yourself. He’s probably out there hopin’ to find the server. [as Trump] Crowdstrike? Where are you, Crowdstrike? It’s like you know it’s bad when even ”Fox and Friends” is questioning Trump. That would be like E! putting up a disclaimer during the ”Kardashians,” that said, ”This is all scripted. None of this is real.”

Todellinen asia x on kuin älytön kuvitteellinen asia y. Klassista.

Yet, Trump’s allies on Fox and the Republican Party have actually been repeating this nonsense, even though his own former national security official Fiona Hill debunked it during the impeachment testimony. And, in an interview, Trump’s former Homeland Security advisor Tom Bossert also said it had been debunked and, yet, on Sunday, GOP Senator John Kennedy repeated it, anyway.

Jehna. Tässähän meinaa oppia jotain uutistapahtumista.

-Senator Kennedy, who do you believe was responsible for hacking the DNC and Clinton campaign computers, their emails? Was it Russia or Ukraine?-I don’t know. Nor do you. Nor do any of us. Miss Hill is entitled -Well, I mean, -to her opinion. -let me just interrupt to say, the entire intelligence community says it was Russia. -Right. But it could also be Ukraine.

-No, it can’t!

Kun jokin on riittävän älytöntä, punchiksi riittää se, että osoittaa sitä ja sanoo sen, mitä me kaikki siitä ajattelemme.

Literally everyone who has studied this said it can’t. It was Russia.

Jos tuo on totta, mikä muu on totta? Tämä:

[as Kennedy] Coulda been Ukraine? Coulda been Russia. Coulda been a swamp witch that turned me into a senator, from a rooster. Could’ve been.

Heh.

And then, there’s Rudy Giuliani, who, at this very moment, is under criminal investigation. In fact, today, we learned that subpoenas have been issued, seeking information on Giuliani’s consulting business as part of a broad federal investigation into possible money laundering, obstruction of justice, and campaign finance violations.

Tarinaa pitää kuljettaa, joten suoran kerronnan aika.

Over the weekend, Rudy was asked by Fox News if he was worried about getting indicted and his reaction was very Rudy-esque.

-Are you afraid, Mr. Mayor, that you could be indicted? -Ohhh, wow. How long have you known me? -I’ve known you several years. -You think I’m afraid? -I-I don’t know. -Do you think I get afraid?

Reaktio tähän klippiin itsessään on jo punchline.

-Having no fear is a good quality if you’re Daredevil, but, Rudy’s like a contestant on that game show ”Wipeout,” who gives a thumbs-up to the camera right before a foam hammer knocks him into the water.

Todellinen asia x on kuin – tällä kertaa todellinen – älytön asia y.

And I do think you get afraid. I mean, have you looked at yourself? You always look afraid. You look like you found out what you did.

Amerikkalaiset uutissatiirit menevät suomalaisia helpommin ulkonäön dissaukseen. Ehkä se on pieni kulttuuriero, ja siellä tuohon on totuttu, eikä sitä pidetä niin tylynä.

Aika ottaa homma maaliin. Tarvitaan Closer Look -tyyliin callback klipistä ja samat viimeiset sanat kuin aina, jotta katsojilla on tuttu ja turvallinen olo.

The Republican Party and the right-wing media apparatus it supports are spreading insane conspiracy theories. Meanwhile, we keep getting more and more evidence against Trump and, every time, they go…

-Ohhh, wow.

-This has been ”A Closer Look.”

Tämä oli A Closer Look.